It comes down, I think, to a few basic things. When we were traveling we slowed right down and opened to the world - feeling very in tune with with earth and her natural healing nurturing rhythms, getting out of our heads and feeling quite happy most of the time. One becomes more sensitive to the energies of the world, whereas in normal modern life one desensitizes and numbs out a fair bit. I had not anticipated the impact of suddenly being back around others who are living hectic lives in the city. So many people are living out an inherited script for their lives, a script which promises happiness but which really just leaves them stressed and unhappy, sped up and in their minds and judgements much of the time. And I found that being back in society brought up the same script and judgements in myself - for example, strong feelings of guilt and anxiety about not working/making money and doing something "selfish" and "frivolous". Even more than that, I found that being back in regular human society I was suddenly lacking an identity - if I am not Dr. Oliver or Luis Enrique the artist, who am I in this world!? - and it was difficult to relate to many people in other ways.
There is more to it, but that is the essence of it I think. It was all pretty confusing, and made all the more confusing by the fact that I thought I had seen these feelings coming already. For the first few days, the city seemed like a strange dream, and the other world I had just left felt like the reality. Very quickly though, the tables turned - back in the city I have trouble remembering our trip, particularly how it felt to be freer and more connected. The trip/nature now feels like the dream, and this the "reality" which I'm having trouble loving. It brings up questions about what a meaningful life is... I'm curious to see how it will be when we fly out in a few days.
It feels like people have forgotten something very important about how to live... and while I had found it for a time I feel like I have now forgotten it again. And yet I feel like I will remember it, hopefully soon.
Throughout all this, there were many things in the past few weeks which helped me remember what is good and essential, and to feel calm and sane. I have several very good and cool friends, for one. People who are tuned in to creative energies and who are alive and understand, and people with whom I feel loved and accepted and understood. Some good times spent with family were also nourishing (and meeting the new granddaughter!), as was doing some art (I played around with inks one afternoon, see the pic above). We spent some time out in the country at our friends' Glenn and Pam's cottage, some time hanging out with various friends at their homes making music or talking or just having fun and laughing. Some good conversations with people who "get it" - these were like beacons validating perceptions. Like the wise words of someone who said that once a creature sheds it's skin it cannot comfortably put it back on. Or believing that there is a right path, if you listen for it. And above all, there is the love between Carr and I - she is my beloved, my home.